Words matter, not only in literature but in love. That’s why, as we move toward the wedding season, I am calling for a divorce — or at least a trial separation — between the words “soul” and “mate.”
Who hasn't heard an excited person say, after several weeks of dating: “I’ve found my soul mate.” The person really means to say: “I am utterly infatuated with this stranger.” But too often, infatuated people believe they have found the one person in the world who they were meant to be with, and they apply the phrase soul mate to this inspired connection.
Reality check: According to all available evidence, a soul-mate relationship is not something you find in a moment, or even develop over a few months. Quick marriages usually end quickly. A soul mate is something you gain over years, even decades, of being in a not-always-soul-stirring relationship.
Yes, soul mates share chemistry and eye contact. But they also persist through money woes and parenting problems and illnesses in the family. They outlive tragedy. They go seasons without sex. Some even fall out of love for awhile.
The smartest thing I ever heard about relationships came from a woman who had lasted 30 years with her quirky
husband. She recalled that on the eve of her wedding, she decided to make a list of 10 of her fiancé’s faults that, for the sake of their marriage, she would always overlook. She had decided that forgiveness was the most important dynamic between soul mates.
When the woman was asked which of her husband’s faults she had listed, she replied, “You know, I never did get around to listing them. Instead, every time he does something that makes me mad, I simply say to myself, ‘Lucky for him, that's one of the 10.’”
Neil Chethik, aka the Grammar Gourmet, is executive director of the Carnegie Center for Literacy and Learning (www.carnegiecenterlex.org). Contact Chethik at neil@carnegiecenterlex.org or (859) 254-4175.