February 29, 2012
Lexington, KY - It was just supposed to be a sleepover. It was just supposed to be for one night. Donna never dreamed things would turn out this way.
“We went to check on the baby because we had a feeling that something was wrong. Her mother asked if we could keep her for a night,” Donna said. “Her mother never came to pick her up.”
Donna is a Bourbon County native who has three biological children of her own, two in their 20s and a teenager in high school. When her step-granddaughter came to their home over a year ago, the baby, Renee, was less than a year old.
“When I realized what was going on, I thought, ‘Wow. Really?’ There are no words for this,” Donna said. “I wondered how I was going to do this. How was I going to start over at 47?”
After a week passed, Donna and her husband tried repeatedly to find Renee’s mother. She had apparently slipped back into a life obscured by drugs, abusive relationships, and failed rehabilitation attempts. When Donna realized Renee’s birth mother was not coming back, she and her husband took the necessary legal steps to ensure they could get the help they needed to raise a granddaughter and keep her safe. They went to the courthouse and filed a petition.
“We wanted a legal, binding piece of paper that said her mother could not just walk back in and take her back into a situation that was unhealthy for the baby,” Donna said.
Donna said that she and her husband were filled with concern at raising the baby, but also had concerns about the birth mother’s life.
“It was a horrible strain. Stress. Worry. Waiting. What if she is found in a ditch? And then there is shock and disbelief that your own child could actually choose drugs over this precious baby,” Donna said. “Time passes. You don’t speak. Your life, your relationship comes to a halt. You’re going through the motions every day, but there’s nothing there.”
From January to November of 2011, Donna and her husband were in court at least once a month, attempting to take the necessary legal steps to keep their granddaughter safe. Then, on Nov. 8, they received the final order for permanent custody, which gives Donna and her husband full custody for two years. After two years, Donna said, the birth mother can appeal, but only for joint custody — never again for full custody of her child.
“I go back and forth on that now. This is two years that I’m going to be like this. I have bonded with this child. I don’t want her to go back into that atmosphere,” Donna said. “But at the same time, Renee has a mommy out there, and I want that relationship to work out.”
Now that they have taken care of legalities, they are trying to learn how to take care of themselves, Donna said. They both attend counseling sessions and are trying to focus on their relationship, and the relationship they have with their other children, as well as maintaining full-time jobs. Donna said she knows it won’t be easy for a while, but knowing what they have to do makes it a little more manageable.
“If I had to do it over again, I would, because I couldn’t imagine life without her now,” Donna said. “And to keep her safe, I would have had to do it over again.”
Donna and her husband are not the only couple who have found themselves in this situation. In September 2005, AARP published a fact sheet based on 2000 Census numbers saying that 2.4 million grandparents have reported they are taking care of their grandchildren. Of that 2.4 million, nearly 36,000 are grandparents in Kentucky. Recent 2010 Census data, shows an increase of five percent since the 2000 information came out.
Mary Jo Dendy, the coordinator for the Sandersville Elementary and Meadowthorpe Elementary family resource centers, also noticed the increase of grandparents raising grandchildren. In fact, she went a step further to help solve problems caused by this growing trend.
“It’s a huge tragedy,” Dendy said. “We need to raise awareness of the needs that exist. If we can provide support early on, we can save society money, and early intervention can lead to better outcomes for the children.”
In Dendy’s experience, the children who are placed in relatives’ homes are those who come from parents who are actively addicted to drugs or alcohol, suffer from mental illness, or are children whose parents have died.
To offer help, she has taken steps to ensure there are opportunities for support. For more than 10 years, Dendy has coordinated a support group for caregivers called “All In the Family,” which meets monthly for an hour and a half during lunch time while the children are in school. Dendy said she plans meetings, lines up lunch and guest speakers and offers grandparents and relatives a place to come together and talk about issues that affect them.
“They are a great support to each other,” Dendy said. “They have been there. Knowing that they are not alone is important.”
Aside from coordinating the support group, Dendy is also actively involved in planning the 10th annual GAP (Grandparents and Relatives As Parents) Conference. This year’s conference, scheduled for March 15 at the Clarion Hotel on Newtown Pike, will feature Joseph Crumbley, a consultant, author, and family therapist from Philadelphia; free legal consults with 13 local attorneys who have volunteered their time; and more than a dozen different workshop sessions to choose from.
“And thanks to a grant from New York Life and a private foundation, all our sessions will be recorded and should be up on our website by the end of April,” Dendy said.
For now, Dendy will continue to coordinate efforts where she can: in the schools, in support groups, through the conference. Donna also will just keep doing what she knows she has to do.
“Babies of addicts are so innocent. None of this is their fault, which makes it harder on grandparents not to constantly feel sorry for the child,” Donna said. “We have to remember we are parenting this child, too.”
And the best advice Donna can offer to others who are going through this same thing: “Keep the faith that you can do this, because you can.”
For more information or to register for the GAP Conference, contact the Fayette County Extension office at (859)257-5582, or visit the website at www.gapofky.org.