Wouldn’t it be nice if you could divorce-proof your marriage – if you knew what to avoid in order to protect your relationship from becoming so unhealthy that it is no longer viable? Conflict in marriages is not only normal, but it can also be productive if we know how to navigate it – it alerts us something is wrong, so that we can address it. The outcome of the interaction depends on how we address it, however. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, who has been studying couples for over 40 years, has identified five markers that, if they go without intervention, are predictive of divorce.
1. Harsh Startup
Most discussions begin and end on the same note. If a conversation starts off on a derisive tone, with criticism or contempt, it has begun with a “harsh startup.” According to Gottman, statistics tell us that 96% of the time, the outcome of a discussion can be predicted within the first three minutes of the conversation. The alternative to a harsh startup is a “softened startup”: describing yourself and how you are feeling and what you need instead of describing your partner in a negative way. If your partner feels criticized, s/he will likely become defensive, which leads to the discussion becoming adversarial. When this happens, neither partner feels seen nor heard.
2. The Four Horseman
Gottman’s research has shown that not all negativity is created equal. There are particular types of negative interactions that are so destructive that if they go unchecked they will destroy your relationship. They include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Criticism is when you describe your partner’s personality or character in a negative way. Instead of criticizing your partner, offer a complaint. A complaint describes a specific behavior versus blaming or implying that a problem is all your partner’s fault. Even if the latter is true, blaming will only make the problem worse.
Contempt is a form of disrespect that can come in the form of sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling or hostility. Instead, you want to create an environment of appreciation, respect and admiration. Look for the good in your partner, knowing that we tend to find what we are looking for.
The third horseman is defensiveness. It’s natural to become defensive when we feel attacked. The problem is that defensiveness only leads to more alienation. Defensiveness implies that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. It’s a form of blaming your partner. Instead, validate your partner’s feelings and take responsibility for bad behavior.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal from an argument. If you are getting overwhelmed during a discussion, tell your partner that you need to take a break and come back when you are calm and are capable of having a productive conversation.
3. Flooding
Flooding and stonewalling go hand in hand. Flooding occurs when we are emotionally shutting down. When your partner’s negativity becomes so intense that it leaves you feeling overwhelmed, you will want to protect yourself from the attack, so you will begin to emotionally disengage. At this point you may go into fight, flight or freeze mode: heart rate rising, starting to secrete stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, and physiologically no longer able to engage in a meaningful conversation. When this happens, it is best to take a break from the discussion, self soothe and return after you have calmed down. Returning to the discussion is the most important part! We are not avoiding conflict, we just want to navigate it productively.
4. Failed Repair Attempts
The strength of a couple’s relationship is largely based on the strength of their friendship. When a couple has a strong friendship, they intuitively become good at giving and receiving repair attempts. A repair attempt is an effort to deescalate the tension during a conflict. It is a statement or action that prevents negativity from becoming out of control. We want to repair the harm that the four horsemen cause.
5. Bad Memories
When our thoughts about our spouse and our marriage become negative, we feel negatively about them. Couples who are entrenched with negative thoughts about their partners tend to rewrite their past in a negative way. They tend to focus on the difficult times and remember them with gloom and cynicism. On the other hand, happy couples usually look back on their early years with fondness. Even the difficult times may be reframed as gaining strength from the hardships they endured together. They may look back at the stressful times as strengthening their marriage. Why is this important? Because this distorted perception clouds the way we treat our partners. When conflict arises, we are less likely to give our partner the benefit of the doubt or assume good intent. This results in a loss of emotional connection and an increase in negative feelings toward our partner.
These are all tools to help guide you through conflict, but the key to divorce-proofing your relationship lies in how you treat each other when you are not fighting. Healthy marriages and partnerships have the foundation of a solid friendship, so that when conflict does arise, it doesn’t destroy your relationship.
Offering both therapy and coaching services, Missy Ammerman has 20 years of experience helping clients struggling with anxiety, depression and relationship problems. Her private practice is located in Dudley Square.