Offering both therapy and coaching services, Missy Ammerman has 20 years of experience helping clients struggling with anxiety, depression and relationship problems. Her private practice is located in Dudley Square. Photo furnished
As we enter month nine of a global pandemic, a presidential election cycle, the nomination of a supreme court justice, racial strife, NTI (that’s non-traditional instruction for those of you fortunate enough to not have school age-children during this nightmare), let it be said that nerves are frayed, tensions are high and apologies may be in order. Many of us are not living our “best lives” right now; and with that said, it’s possible that perhaps we’ve done or said some things that we wish we could take back. None of us is perfect. It is inevitable we will mess up.
Enter the apology.
Webster’s defines it as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” Yikes. Apologizing can be difficult for several reasons. First, many of us were never taught how to give an effective apology, and it may have never been modeled for us. When we apologize, we are admitting we have done something wrong. For some of us, admitting we are wrong can bring up feelings of shame, fear of being seen in an unflattering light or fear our admission will be used against us.
In an effort to avoid any of these uncomfortable feelings, we may avoid presenting a well-deserved apology; however, much can be gained from a well-delivered apology. A sincere, heartfelt “I’m sorry” can allow you to gain respect from the receiver, grow in integrity, improve your relationships and increase intimacy and self-respect — and the cost of not apologizing for a mistake could result in a damaged relationship. Keeping that in mind, here are a few simple tips to help with the process.
Focus the apology on your own behavior.
When offering a mea culpa, it’s important to apologize for your behavior, not for the other person’s feelings. A true apology does not include the phrase “I’m sorry if you felt…” You are only describing the behavior for which you are apologizing, not for how the receiver felt about your behavior. Your opinion of the other person’s feelings is irrelevant.
Don’t defend bad behavior.
An apology does not include defensiveness. Defensiveness inhibits your ability to be heard. Sometimes people will say “I’m sorry, but…” The word “but” negates everything that precedes it. Oftentimes when a person uses “but” in an apology, it’s a form of counter blaming. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you were ignoring me.” It’s a form of justifying a behavior, it’s not an apology. Don’t defend bad behavior, take responsibility for it. I cannot stress this enough. As a couples’ coach, I see this frequently. The best way to defuse an argument is to take responsibility for a mistake and validate the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry that I snapped at you. I was out of line. I can see why you’re angry. I would be angry too.”
Listen to understand.
When apologizing, listen to understand versus listening to respond. Oftentimes when someone is talking to us about something we’ve done wrong, we’re so busy building our case in our own head that we fail to actually hear the other person. We’re preparing our rebuttal instead of listening to what the other person is saying. We automatically start scanning for what we don’t agree with. Be curious about what the other person is saying. “Help me to understand how [my action] hurt you.” Listen to the other person’s anger and pain. Seek to understand, not to be understood. Listen with the same intensity you feel about needing to be heard.
Suspend expectations.
An apology does not ask the other party to do anything — not even to forgive. This is a hard one. We may desperately want to be forgiven, but we have no control over how the apology is received. If the other person doesn’t seem ready to forgive you right away, give them time. Offer to make amends if appropriate. Ask them what needs to happen in order for them to forgive you. Be willing to listen without defensiveness.
Lastly, when receiving an apology, do not say “that’s okay.”
If the other person is acknowledging he or she did something that hurt you, something that they recognize was not okay, don’t brush the apology aside. If you accept it, say, “Thank you. I appreciate your apology.” You probably don’t need to add anything else. Sometimes less is more.