We’re over a year into this pandemic, which has heavily disrupted all of our lives in one form or another. The good news: We have a vaccine; it’s being distributed; and our positivity rate is decreasing. The bad news: This past year has taken a toll on our businesses, our mental health and our relationships.
If COVID-19 has had a negative impact on your relationships, you’re not alone. The effects of the pandemic have amplified issues that are already common relationship pressures, including financial stress, parenting stress, work stress and social isolation. For some couples it may mean a few more disagreements than normal; for relationships that were already struggling, it may be highlighting some long-ignored deeper issues. I often tell couples, it’s no surprise that communicating and managing conflict feels difficult because no one teaches us how to do this. We’re taught algebra and chemistry, but few of us use those skills on a daily basis. We are, however, continually interacting with friends, family and co-workers, and we can all use tools on how to talk to each other and manage conflict.
Dr. John Gottman has been studying couples and relationships for over 30 years. In his research, he grouped couples into two categories: “Masters” and “Disasters.” The Masters stayed together and were generally happy. The Disasters, on the other hand, often ended up divorcing or staying together unhappily. So what were the differences between the two groups?
First of all, if you look at the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict, the Masters on average had five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This means that if you do something negative, something that hurts your partner’s feelings, you have to make up for it with five positive interactions. These include interest, empathy and affection, among others. This means that negativity has more power to inflict damage than positivity has to heal.
It is important to understand that conflict is not a bad thing. Conflict alerts us to problems in our relationships and ourselves, leading us to a place where we can address the problem and understand our partner better. It is an opportunity to grow closer. In looking to improve our relationships, we shouldn’t look to eliminate conflict altogether but, instead, to find ways to manage it effectively. It’s always a red flag to me as a couples’ therapist when a couple tells me they never fight. Conflict avoidance is predictive of affairs and divorce.
In his research, Gottman found that all negativity is not equal. He found four behaviors that have a more negative impact on relationships and are highly predictive of divorce. He calls them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These four things were characteristic of the Disasters. The Four Horsemen include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Horseman 1: Criticism. A criticism is a judgment that describes your partner’s personality in a pejorative way. Instead of criticizing, offer a complaint instead. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. A simple three-part strategy for offering a complaint: (1) “Here’s how I feel (2) about [blank] situation (3) and here’s what I need/want.” The Masters are talking about themselves and what they need instead of criticizing their partners.
Horseman 2: Defensiveness. Any time we feel attacked, it’s our natural reaction to want to defend ourselves, but defensiveness only serves to alienate our partner and prolong the argument. Instead of defending yourself, take responsibility for bad behavior and validate your partner’s feelings. Even if you feel you’re only responsible for part of the problem, take ownership of that piece and validate how it affected your partner.
Horseman 3: Contempt. Contempt is the best predictor of divorce. It is a feeling of superiority over your partner and is a form of disrespect. When we climb up on our moral high horse and look down on our partner, we are being contemptuous. Contempt can come in the form of eye rolling, tone of voice or insult. It can be very obvious, like name calling, or it can be more insidious, like a subtle look of disapproval. The alternative to contempt is creating an environment of respect and appreciation. To do this, scan for things you can praise and appreciate. Look for the good in your partner.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling. Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal from conflict. When someone is engaged with you, they are giving you cues that they are paying attention through eye contact, nodding and open body language. The Stonewaller is not doing these things. Instead, they are giving the speaker the impression that they are not listening. So, what does the speaker generally do? They get louder! They think, “I must not be getting through. I guess I need to be more aggressive in order to be heard.” Oftentimes, the Stonewaller is emotionally shutting down. They have become flooded, or overwhelmed. This occurs when we go into fight, flight or freeze mode. Our heart rate rises above 100 beats per minute, we start secreting stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, and we are physiologically no longer able to engage in a meaningful conversation. At this point, it is best to take a break from the discussion, self soothe and return after we have calmed down. Returning to the discussion is the most important part! Remember, we are not avoiding conflict, we just want to navigate it productively.
The good news is these issues can be resolved, but don’t put it off. The average couple waits six years from the time problems arise until they the time they seek help. The sooner problems are addressed, the less ingrained they are and the easier they are to repair. Though living through this pandemic may have brought some unhealthy behaviors to light, it’s now an opportunity to do some work to make our relationships more rewarding than ever. Don’t waste the opportunity.
Offering both therapy and coaching services, Missy Ammerman has 20 years of experience helping clients struggling with anxiety, depression and relationship problems. Her private practice is located in Dudley Square.