It wasn’t a typical escort for a funeral procession. Following a recent service at Milward Funeral Directors, a small fleet of tow trucks lined up behind the hearse for the slow trip to the cemetery. The drivers, dressed in work attire, slowly filed out to pay their respects to a recently departed co-worker.
As unusual as a tow-truck send-off may seem to some, requests to incorporate touches that honor the unique interests, personality or occupation of the departed aren’t as uncommon as they once were, said Rob Hatton, a funeral director at Milward’s North Broadway location in Lexington. Personalized funerals have been on the rise since he joined the industry in 2011, he said, and more funeral homes today are helping loved ones find creative and personally meaningful ways to say goodbye.
“It’s very important to tailor services in a meaningful way to the families, where I think a lot of times, in the past, it was more of a cookie-cutter approach,” Hatton said.
From dove or lantern releases to Hawaiian-themed visitations and favorite music, funeral directors can help make end-of-life celebrations more personal.
Over the past two decades, as more workplaces, spiritual centers and social gatherings have relaxed many of their social mores along with their dress codes, even the traditionally somber funeral industry hasn’t been immune. Families are opting for more lighthearted funeral gatherings, or “celebrations of life,” in many cases, with modern music, personal touches, casual attire—and even a few laughs.
A host of companies have responded to the demand for alternative options, offering everything from green burial products (unembalmed burial in biodegradable containers) to services that incorporate cremains into vinyl records, glass artwork, jewelry and even tattoo ink.Amusing, irreverent obituaries have gone viral nationwide. Some funeral homes have enlisted trained support animals on site to help clients cope with their loss.
At Milward, a Labrador retriever named Gus has been brought on staff to provide comfort to people of all ages, Hatton said. The dog’s services are advertised on the company’s website, along with a page of ideas for personalized funerals that goes so far as to call the event one’s “final party.”
Billy Shell, co-owner of Kerr Brothers Funeral Home in Lexington, which has been in operation since 1905, says sometimes change is a matter of convenience. Cremations have increased over the past 15 years, he said. The Cremation Association of North America said cremations topped 50 percent in America for the first time in 2016, though Kentucky’s cremation rate is listed as less than 30 percent. As a result, more families now use rental caskets to accommodate their needs during a visitation and funeral, with cremation to follow, Shell said.
It isn’t just the options that are changing, but often the entire mood of the funeral. Shell said someone who stands up to eulogize a loved one can just as easily leave guests “in stitches” as in tears.
In a departure from the somber, subdued music usually associated with funerals, contemporary tunes are played nearly daily at Kerr Brothers’ celebrations of life, he said, including swing music, or sometimes the rock anthem “Stairway to Heaven.” As a result, each funeral home location must have music licensing agreements with ASCAP and BMI to legally play copyrighted songs in public, he said. It’s also typical to include videos or video slideshows featuring the departed in the funeral services.
“We will do whatever the family wants to do, provided it is not illegal or unethical,” Shell said.
In the funeral industry since 1981, David West is co-owner of Betts and West Funeral Home in Nicholasville, in addition to serving as Jessamine County judge executive and immediate past president of the Funeral Home Directors Association of Kentucky. His funeral home’s website advertises video production services and custom printing capabilities to encourage personalization, a trend he hopes is permanent.
“The best funerals are the ones you cry at and the ones you laugh at, often at the same time.” — David West, co-owner of Betts and West Funeral Home
“Don’t be afraid to tell a funeral director what type of service you would like, because most of us are extremely accommodating, and we want a service for you that means something,” West said.
Shell said personalized or nontraditional funeral requests most often come from the millennial or Generation X set, who often see the world much differently than baby boomers and older generations. Sometimes special requests come in preplanned funeral directives from the person themselves or from family members. Commonly they include special mementos displayed at visitations or buried with a person. There are also occasional requests for personalized, airbrushed casket exteriors, he added.
West encourages families to discuss all the funeral planning options. Whether cremation or traditional burial is chosen, he says a funeral or memorial should be a “good goodbye.”
“The best funerals are the ones you cry at and the ones you laugh at, often at the same time,” he said.
For some mourning families, actions can speak louder than words. Dove or lantern releases can be used to convey heartfelt sentiments, as can motorcycle enthusiasts revving their engines outside for a departed fellow rider or visitors arriving in Hawaiian shirts as tribute to a loved one known for wearing them.
Showing up to a visitation or funeral in shorts or flip flops would once have been a terrible faux pas, but it isn’t so rare these days, Shell said. Many people still dress formally for the occasion, too, he added.
Shell said funeral directors have a calling to help people through difficult times but acknowledges that, often, nontraditional funerals are uplifting, even for them.
“Sometimes when it’s a little more lighthearted, it’s a bit easier for everyone,” he said.