The cooling breeze of September has delivered on its promise of three things: the return of gridlocked UK traffic on Nicholasville Road, a sharp uptick in political ad campaigns, and the beginning of fantasy football season.
Fantasy football has become both America's favorite fantasy sport and number one distraction in the workplace. And while you'll find thousands of draft guides that tell you which players will help you build a winning team, finding the right collection of people to invite to join your league will prove just as critical for a great fantasy experience. So grab a good fantasy draft guide at your local bookstore (I recommend Fantasy Sports published by www.fantasyfootballchampionship.com and nfc.nbcsports.com), and follow this cheat sheet to figure out who deserves a shot in your league.
1. The Commissioner
Fantasy football is a male-dominated sport, and men jostle for power. This power obsession often leads to issues at the most critical position in fantasy football: commissioner.
A good commissioner sets up your league early, establishes clear communication and finds a time when everyone can draft in person. He shows up with a draft board and a timer to make sure your draft doesn't take more than two or three hours. After that, he shuts up and plays.
Everyone has a commissioner horror story: the one that used the Commish Tools to hack into your lineup and switch your starters around, the one that doubled the league entry fee from last year without mentioning his plan to anyone, the one who vetoes trades that would make other teams stronger than his. All of these antics are mere byproducts of the natural male desire for power. Make sure you select a commissioner secure enough to do the essential minimum required to manage your league effectively without overstepping his bounds.
2. The Village Moron
Draft night is one of the greatest nights of the year. Fueled by optimism of a new season, we get a chance to see old friends and reminisce about our biggest victories last season. We also get to make fun of the first guy who drafts a kicker in the seventh round, or takes Shaun Alexander as their number one running back, or takes "the other" Adrian Peterson in the third round while gloating, "I can't believe you guys left me All-Day Adrian!"
The greatest fantasy football moment I've ever been a part of wasn't a victory. It was the time a friend got flustered as we told him his time had run out, flipped through his magazine and, pulling out the first name he saw, declared his seventh-round choice "Dennis Green!" A puzzled hush fell over the room as everyone's brain went blank, until someone looked up and said, "Wait a second, Dennis Green's a coach!" A friend pulled out of our league last year and moved back to Ohio after enduring two seasons of Dennis Green jokes, and fantasy football just hasn't been the same without our Village Moron.
3. The Alcoholic
As the draft wears on, we get progressively less excited about our own picks. Taking LaDainian Tomlinson in the first round is fun. Taking Sidney Rice in the 12th stinks. But as our own picks become less fun, The Alcoholic's become more fun with every empty bottle.
After picking solidly through three rounds last year, our buddy Jason began to sip faster. By round seven, he could barely stand as he announced that he would take Bears backup quarterback Brian Griese. In round eight, he disappeared. We found him two hours later, passed-out in the bushes out front after he failed to make it back in from his seventh-round smoke-break.
4. The Businessman
Fantasy team owners face constant criticism from bosses, girlfriends, wives and family as they devote absurd amounts of time to their craft. Therefore, if you compose a league entirely of Village Morons and Alcoholics, it can be easy to dismiss fantasy football as less a way of life and more of a ridiculous hobby.
The Businessman legitimizes your fantasy league as a serious venture worthy of the several-hundred-dollar payout awaiting the winner. He shows up with a laptop and five or six scouting guide magazines. He wears professional attire, drinks non-caffeinated soda to keep his mind clear and calculates every move with charts, diagrams and game film. His dedication gives the eventual league-winner a sense of true satisfaction, as he beat at least one serious challenge in the landscape of drunks. Without The Businessman, your league can't be taken seriously.
5. The Pizza Guy
Nothing revives tired drafters heading into the later rounds like a visit from The Pizza Guy at the beginning of Round 8.
6. The Mouth
Love 'em or hate 'em, the antics of guys like Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson make the NFL considerably more entertaining to follow on a daily basis. Adding a trash-talking, brash showman to your league will also add entertainment to your fantasy experience. Nothing makes games seem bigger than a trash-talking rivalry carried out on a message board in the week leading up to the matchup, and nothing satisfies a winning owner more than beating the league's biggest mouth.
7. The Absentee
Established fantasy leagues like to keep the same nucleus together, even as logistics get in the way. No draft would be complete without someone missing. The Absentee owner drafts by phone, exchanging calls with a representative on site (usually another team owner) and gets forced into rushed decisions as the impatience of owners present at the draft becomes unbearable. While The Absentee can make drafting difficult, it gives a league credibility when our buddy would rather draft by phone from Colorado than retire from league play.
8. The Fantasy Rookie
Assimilating into fantasy culture works a lot like adjusting to the NFL. While an occasional rookie will come in and become a major factor for a playoff team, most rookies make silly mistakes, carry pads off the field and struggle through their first year. Every fantasy league needs a rookie to pick up the pizza boxes, revive The Alcoholic, get intimidated by The Businessman, give The Village Moron the rare opportunity to make fun of someone, stay on the phone with The Absentee, get sucked into losing trash-talk battles with The Mouth, and get charged double for his entry fee by The Commissioner. Without rookies, experience would count for nothing. But with rookies around, we all get the chance to feel like seasoned pros with success just over the horizon.
Good luck this season (unless you're playing in the Ickey Woods Shuffle League, in which case luck will prove futile against the fury of my Pacmen).
Fantasy football leagues operate on both eight- and 16-week schedules. If you are new to the game, you can still get in on the action for the last half of the season.