Charting New Territory

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Therapist and relationship coach Missy Ammerman. Photo furnished

Coronavirus. It’s a term that just a few short months ago none of us had ever uttered, but that has now taken control of so many aspects our day-to-day lives. The pandemic and its multi-faceted effects have changed the way we work, the way we parent, the way we shop and socialize, leaving very few facets of our lives untouched. I think it’s safe to say that we’re all feeling weary. 

The emotions surfacing during this pandemic are numerous and seem to come in waves of anxiety, anger, disappointment, grief and hope. Perhaps the most difficult aspect of this crisis is the uncertainty: not knowing when it will end. It feels like running a race with no knowledge of where the finish line will be. Most of us don’t know how to mentally gear up for a course with an ever-moving target. I think we’re all even weary of the same recycled coronavirus tips — we know we’re supposed to exercise, get enough sleep and eat our vegetables. With that in mind, I hope these tips for navigating some of this new emotional terrain provide some comfort. 

Suspend judgement for others

Some of us look to our daily walks and trips for takeout as a means of maintaining our sanity. Others feel safer staying inside, with home feeling like the safest refuge from an uncertain world. Can we all suspend judgement for those who aren’t handling this pandemic the same way we are? There is not just one way to do this, and the last thing we need is to add shame to the mix. We’re all doing our best to navigate these unchartered waters, and finding ways to offer grace to those who choose to manage this crisis differently than we do is not only an act of generosity, but an act that can ultimately help assuage our own anxieties. Let’s assume and look for the best in each other – even when their “best” looks different than ours.

Suspend judgement for ourselves

You officially have permission to not spend this time alphabetizing your spices or cleaning out your garage. You also have permission to stop judging yourself for all the things you aren’t accomplishing! If organizing your home and your life feels good to you right now, then organize — but again, this is not a time to compare yourself to your friends and neighbors. Those who are parenting school-age children may have experienced some parenting moments recently that may jeopardize your “Parent of the Year” status. It’s okay. Most of us are not cut out to simultaneously homeschool our children, perform our own job duties and work a side hustle as a short-order cook and housecleaner. When we constantly criticize ourselves, that negative self-talk can lead to anxiety, depression and, ultimately, shame. Psychologist Dr. Steven Hayes divides pain into two categories: clean and dirty. The “clean” pain is the discomfort you feel when something unpleasant happens, while “dirty” pain is the suffering created from the scary stories we tell ourselves about the event. Perhaps you’ve heard the expression: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” There’s no need to cause ourselves additional suffering with self-condemning judgement during this difficult time.  

Permission to have a hard time

Clients regularly tell me, “I don’t have a right to complain about my situation because so-and-so has it worse. I should be grateful.” This is called comparative suffering. The truth is, you can be grateful while still allowing yourself to feel your pain. We don’t have to compare and rank our pain and then stuff it down or feel guilty when we feel it doesn’t measure up, as if our pain isn’t worthy of being felt. Certainly, this crisis has affected some of us more than it has others, but the point is to remember that all of our pain is real and deserving of empathy and support (especially from yourself). We can always find someone who’s suffering more than us. You have permission to have a hard time, no matter what that looks like for you.

Be patient with your loved ones

It can be difficult to be sequestered at home with our families with no place to go. The disruption of school and work routines and lack of structure have many of us on a short fuse. If relationships are already strained, it may feel like you’re living in a minefield. A simple tip: When you’re frustrated with your partner or children, offer a complaint instead of a criticism. A complaint is a statement that a situation or event is unsatisfactory, while a criticism is a judgement that suggests that someone’s personality or character is flawed or defective.

In my work with clients, I teach marriage expert Dr. John Gottman’s three-part strategy for offering complaints to our partners: (1) “Here’s how I feel (2) About (blank) situation (3) And here’s what I need/want.”

For example, “I’m frustrated that you didn’t help with dinner last night. I’d like for you to set the table and load the dishwasher” versus “You’re so lazy. All you do is think about yourself”. Hear the difference?  

Making these small shifts in how we communicate right now can decrease conflict and improve our day-to-day experience at home together.

Stay hopeful 

At some point, this will end. But we will likely be forever changed as a result of this crisis. For those who have lost loved ones, this tragedy will hold a different meaning than for those who were fortunate enough to have avoided this kind of loss. The good news is that most survivors of a catastrophic event report experiencing post-traumatic growth. Simply stated, it means that as a result of this pandemic we can have a greater appreciation of life, of our relationships and a greater sense of psychological well-being.

As I was driving home from my office last week, I passed by the Lyric Theatre. The marquee read: “This too shall pass, so never lose hope. Dawn always comes after the darkness.”

Sometimes we just need someone to reassure us that everything’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.

Offering both therapy and coaching services, Missy Ammerman has 20 years of experience helping clients struggling with anxiety, depression and relationship problems. She has a private practice located in Dudley Square.