What does it take to make a healthy and meaningful romantic relationship? It’s simple and difficult all at the same time.
The average couple waits six years from the time trouble begins to the time they seek treatment. Sometimes, too much damage has been done. I often think, “I wish I could have gotten to them sooner.”
So, what goes into making a harmonious relationship? I’ll share a few things that I’ve learned anecdotally as a couples therapist over the past 24 years.
1. Having things in common. The old adage that “opposites attract” has not proven true on my couch. It can actually be a big source of frustration. For example, when an introvert and extrovert pair up, I often see a great deal of irritation and resentment — an ongoing source of tension that can lead to feeling alone and disconnected. Couples don’t need to have everything in common, but should share some common interests and hobbies so that they can enjoy their time together.
2. Wanting similar amounts of affection. A disconnect in this department can truly erode a relationship. If one person likes to hold hands and snuggle, but the other person doesn’t like to be touched, someone is constantly feeling rejected. It may seem minor, but this demonstration of love and desire is actually quite important. When you reach out to hold your partner’s hand and they pull away, you feel rejected and they feel smothered. Having a partner who enjoys similar amounts of affection is important in creating a harmonious relationship.
3. Being willing to make repairs. If you have a healthy relationship, you will argue. But are you willing to acknowledge your role in the fight when you do? Can you take responsibility for your contribution to the problem? Couples often come to therapy thinking the problem lies with the other individual. When everyone can see their own contribution to the issue, apologize and empathize with their partner, emotional connection is strengthened.
4. Making daily deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account. It’s not the fancy trip to Europe or the expensive watch that will save your relationship or make your partner feel loved — it’s the minute micro-communications throughout the day. When you call your partner in the middle of the day to check in and they seem annoyed by your call instead of happy to know you were thinking of them, it hurts your feelings. It makes you feel rejected and like an annoyance instead of it being an opportunity to connect. This is where resentment and anger creep in. On the other hand, when you get home after a hard day at work and want to talk about it, and your partner puts down their phone, gives you eye contact and says, “Tell me about it. I’m listening,” you feel important, validated and loved. It’s these small and mundane interactions that weave the fiber of our relationships. Each time we make a bid for connection, and our partner rejects it, it’s another nail in the coffin. Conversely, when our partner makes us feel like nothing is more important than making sure we feel heard and seen, there’s nothing sweeter.
5. Creating emotional safety. A major problem I see with couples is that they often fail to ask for what they want or need. Oftentimes, we are afraid to ask for something because we are afraid of being criticized or rejected. This fear makes us reluctant to ask. When our needs go unmet, it creates resentment and emotional distance. This is when couples can become vulnerable to looking outside the marriage to find what they need. We want to create an environment where our partner feels safe to express themselves without the fear of being criticized. Other times, we expect that our partner should just know what we want. But your partner is not a mind reader, and it’s unfair to expect them to know what you’re thinking. Conversely, don’t assume you know what they are thinking. When your partner makes a request, be intentional about validating their feelings even if you are unable to meet the request. Empathy and validation are two of the most important tools in creating emotional safety.
6. Having fun together. Having fun is not frivolous. You should prioritize it as much as you would a board meeting or your kid’s soccer game. You should be able to laugh your head off with your partner. Couples who can laugh together weather the storms more easily. Stay young together, Show your children what a fun and loving relationship looks like. Model a relationship where you’re the first to apologize and admit how you messed up. Make taking accountability look like a strength instead of a weakness. Be the partner you want to have.
Offering both therapy and coaching services, Missy Ammerman has over 20 years of experience helping clients with anxiety, depression and relationship concerns. Formerly located in Dudley Square, her office is now in Goodwin Square.